Making the Best of Mother’s Day and Father’s Day

Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are rapidly approaching. Many infertility patients dread those holidays because they can be very painful. On a daily basis we are constantly reminded that we are not yet parents. It seems that everywhere we go we see pregnant women, are seated next to the couple with a baby in a restaurant, or someone asks us, "So do you have any kids?"

A day that celebrates parenting can easily magnify the feeling of loneliness and isolation that we may feel on any given day; reminding us yet again that we are not part of the "Parenting Club." One of the things that makes mother’s Day and Father’s Day so difficult for many of us is trying to balance the need to celebrate loved ones at a family event with the need to take care of ourselves.

Sometimes honoring a parent on Mother’s Day or Father’s Day can be as painful as a baby shower. We may even feel the anxiety of upcoming holidays for weeks before the actual event in anticipation of how we may feel on the holiday. We often struggle with decisions regarding invitations to participate in holiday events. There may be fear that others will view us as selfish and sometimes we are being selfish if we choose not to be part of the celebration.

It is important to take care of ourselves during the infertility journey. For a period of time during our infertility struggle, we may not have much energy to give others. Infertility can be extremely draining: physically, financially and emotionally. It is a time we need much nurturing. We often feel misunderstood by our family and friends…they just don’t "get it". Well before we were infertility patients we probably didn’t get it either. Our family and friends need us to help them to understand by sharing our feelings with them and by offering ideas as to how they can be supportive of us. Fortunately, the acute feelings involved in the infertility process do not last forever and we will have plenty of opportunity in the future to give back to those who helped us through a difficult time.

As Mother’s Day and Father’s Day approach, take some time to think about how you can best take care of yourself. That is think about the limits you need to set for yourself. In order to do this, you must first acknowledge your feelings and accept that it may be a hard day for you. There is no right or wrong way to feel—how you feel is the right way for you. There is no way to take away the pain of Mother’s Day/Father’s Day, but the following suggestions may help minimize the painful feelings.

1. Decide what you can or cannot do on Mother’s Day/Father’s Day. It is okay not to attend the family celebration. You may decide to honor your parent on a different day, for example: take mom/dad out to dinner the Saturday before Mother’s/Father’s Day, so that you can spend the actual holiday on Sunday doing other things you enjoy. You might want to stay home and read or watch movies. You could take a walk, go for a hike, or get together with other infertile friends. Do whatever helps you feel good.

If you choose not to attend the family get-together, tell your parent why you won’t be there. For example: "I’ve decided that I won’t be going to the Mother’s/Father’s Day brunch on Sunday, because it is too painful for me. My decision has nothing to do with how much I love and care about you. It has to do with my own feelings of sadness about not being a mother/father yet. I do want to celebrate with you and so I would like to take you out to lunch on Saturday instead."

2. If you choose to participate in family events on Mother’s/Father’s Day, you need to set limits for yourself. Think about how you will answer personal questions or give yourself permission to not answer those questions. You may want to say, "I appreciate your concern but that is not something I want to talk about today." You might decide that you want to attend the celebration, but only for a limited amount of time. That’s okay, too!

3. You and your partner may consider spending the day apart in order for each of you to get your needs met. For example: Joe may want to go to the Mother’s/Father’s Day celebration while Sally might choose to rent a video that she has wanted to see. Joe enjoys getting together with friends or family members with young children. It helps to get some of his needs met to play with the kids. On the other hand, Sally experiences more sadness being around small children, so for her it is a better choice to do something else. Allow your partner to think and feel differently than you do. Compromise is often necessary for finding a way to spend the day that meets each partner’s needs.

4. When you purchase a gift for your parent, consider treating yourself and possibly your partner to something you’ve wanted.

Although we cannot completely avoid the pain of Mother’s/Father’s Day, we can take steps to minimize those painful feelings. We need to be gentle with ourselves. We can help those we love by sharing our feelings with them and by telling them how they can be supportive of us. We need to remind ourselves that we will not always feel like we feel today. Things will change. At some point we will resolve our infertility issues, and there will come a time when we will look forward to celebrating holidays again.